Confessions Deux

 Confessions of a confused American traveler ::

Part Two::

I never used to cry. I was never one of those particularly emotional women who lost it during every rom-com or every commercial involving a puppy or engagements. I didn't even cry when my parents told me they were getting a divorce... I DID break down in tears after finishing the last Harry Potter book because my childhood had basically ended and I hadn't slept for three days. But other than those rare instances, water works simply weren't my thing for the majority of my life.

However, that all has changed this past year. Now, I'm a big ol' crier. I cry at the most unexpected odd times... it's honestly a bit laughable. Sometimes, I'm so HAPPY that I start crying. Sometimes, I freaking wake up crying! My eyes are well moistened, folks.

This past week, a random show of tears made a guest appearance when I was trying to get on Spotify. It wouldn't let me listen to any music because it kept insisting that I was in America on vacation and that I could use the site once I'd returned "home" to the UK. I was in the middle of a coffee shop and hot, angry tears just began to spill over my cheeks as I furiously clicked the "help" button like it was my job.

No, I'm not in Nottingham, you stupid faced interwebs!!! Thank you for rubbing it in. You are evil and probably demon possessed and make me wanna scream and now my mascara is running and that barista is looking at me weird and I can't believe the internet is blaming me for coming back to America and tears taste kind of funny don't you think and WHY THE HELL WON'T YOU WORK SPOTIFY!?!?!?!?! .....I want a Klondike bar.

This situation slightly epitomizes how drastic things can be at times since I've been home. In my last post, confessions of an ex-patriot, I explored a few of the life changing and unforgettable effects of living in England this summer. So I promised in partie deux (fancy ass French woohoo) I would discuss the question where do I go from here? That is the kicker isn't it? Our journey and the bravery to face the unknown ahead.

Some days are nothing but these randomly induced crying fests. And I'm overwhelmed with restlessness and discontentment and obsession with "when, where, how" future focused thoughts. Some days are nothing but bliss and excitement. And I'm so happy to be spending time in school so that I can re-fuel and frolic around Chicago with my dear friends and laugh often and dream silly dreams. Some days are nothing but fear and soul crushing disbelief. And I'm dreading the idea of going back overseas because then I'll have to be serious in my relationships, completely honest about who I am, become the worst missionary EVER, actually trust God again, work really really hard, and get used to washing my hair in a bathtub for a year.

At the end of the day, none of our emotions remain black and white. No relationships remain stagnant. No mental state remains constant.

From here, I have to choose to be present in the situation God has placed me in. In theater training, we say "BE IN THE MOMENT." People can tell when you're pondering your next line--they can see it in your eyes when your emotions are detached from your words. I need to stop being so obsessed and fretful and longing for the future. Honestly, who cries on their couch over situations that haven't even happened yet, for goodness sake!?!? Well, I do, my friends... I do those foolish things. Winner of the stupidest girl award?.. THIS LADY. Thank God for His patience and new mercies He gives us everyday.

From here, I have to choose to not fear what is unknown. If we knew every single step of our future, we would be crippled by fear... or maybe we would be paralyzed with surprise at how God is going to work? I'm not sure which. Either way, nothing is hopeless. No matter how blissful or how difficult, we are not without hope. Fear stems from a lack of hope. God is perfect love, and there is simply no room for fear within that perfect love (1 John 4). Sometimes I get so consumed with the journey ahead that I forget the dark valley He has already brought me through.

From here, I have to choose to wake up every morning and cling to the knowledge that I am not alone. My mental state might be off the charts or it might be a smooth sailing sea. My emotions might be all kinds of confuddled crazy or calm as English breakfast tea. My relationships might be close and hot like the Sun or disconnected and frail like an empty drum. ANY WHICH WAY, GOD STAYS THE SAME.

From here, I can choose to live in Christ and give myself up to His plan daily.

All my plans seem bull in light of that...

Photos courtesy of Kelly Kuritar