Recently, I had someone hang up on me when I was trying to
explain to them that I was in a depressed low, beginning stages of a panic
attack, and really really really shouldn’t be left alone. They were stressed
and simply couldn’t comprehend why I would not be able to pull myself up by my
bootstraps and take care of myself like a big girl and “get over it.” The
frustration over my blubbering crying self saying “no I can’t” led this person to
simply hang up the phone. Disengage. Remove.
Also known as we say in French, le dick move.
But these are some of the many common misconceptions people have about
depression and other mental illnesses: that it doesn’t really involve or affect
them yet that they have all the solutions…in fact, they can be outside or inside the situation whenever they
like. One minute someone can say “Oh, I COMPLETELY understand” and the next
minute they can choose to hang up on you.
Well, my friends, this hot or cold response we people with
depression receive is quite frankly draining and often inexcusable. The truth
is that you are going to come across someone who is depressed within this next
week—not just a handle of whack jobs you may or may not encounter within your
lifetime. And they are *very* unlikely to tell you whether you are being an
uncompassionate jerk, an overly sympathetic insulter, an ignorant
bless-your-hearter, etc. They are more likely to stuff their words and give you a well practiced lying smile. So let’s have an open discussion, shall we?
Editor's note: It is absolutely terrifying for me to come out ballz
blazing, megaphone raging as the way that I introduce my depression to my blog.
But hey, yolo.
So here is a short list of please-Lord-no-do-not-do to
someone who has depression (and for those of you with depression?...well, enjoy a
good lol):
1)
Telling
someone to "just stop being sad” or that they “have the will power to just get
better”. Your intention may be to model yourself into some sort of gung-ho
peppy cheerleader, but all I hear is “your brain sucks and will never work
right; you are an epic failure.” Look, depression is caused by the chemicals in
your brain not properly producing/functioning at healthy levels. We do not need
to go into the scientific details, but it is suffice to say that I cannot just
stop in the midst of being terrified and lonely and go, “Oh hey, silly brain,
make this chemical for me so I don't think I'm dying. K thanks, dude!” A person can exercise, eat
healthy, drink less, stand in the sunshine, watch Parks and Rec, hold a golden
retriever puppy, and get a manicure and STILL have a terrible low or panic
attack that very same day. Some of the most beautiful seasons of my life have
also coincided with the darkest times of my depression. Most of it is out of
your control—even with medication. Can you please empathize and understand how
PETRIFYING that is? To live in a world where you never know when you are
suddenly going to plummet into the cavern of the loneliest, evilest thoughts of
your life and be completely trapped in your brain alone with them? Sometimes
I’m amazed that depressed people even smile and function at all! So kudos to
ya’ll who to deal with it every day. You’re champions. And to those who are
lucky enough to not have it, simply listening and telling someone, “I’ll be
here for you to do anything that takes your mind away from these thoughts or
maybe let’s do some activities your therapist recommends—I love you” is all
they need.
2)
Telling
someone they are “selfish” or “needy” because they are depressed or suicidal.
I’m really watching my sailor’s mouth on this one. As stated above, this is a
mental imbalance and health issue that is out of a person’s control. They can
do some preventative means and can do coping as best as possible in the
aftermath, but the actual time being caught up in a depressed low is often
uncontrollable. And do you honestly think ANYONE in their right mind would
choose this path??? I’ve already communicated how absolutely scary it is to go
day to day never knowing when I might get a panic attack or simply cease to
have emotions. Why would I willingly choose that life for myself? Because yes,
I’m oh so selfish as to put my family and friends through all this? That’s a bogus
statement. That’s certainly some stinky pile of BS. Do not tolerate someone
talking to you that way for one second if you have depression. If you don’t and
are the actual person saying these things, check yourself before you wreck
yourself. Try to be a more empathetic. Try to be more humane and mature. Consider what it would be like to have a
disease that robs you of all things that once brought you joy—even to the point
of robbing you of your own personality. THEN consider if that person is
selfish when they ask for help or when they can’t just get over it by
themselves. (Side note: little bit of logic here. If a person has such dark
lonely thoughts that often lead to suicidal tendencies WHO in their right mind
is going to tell them to just be alone and stop being
selfish?)
3)
Telling
someone “I completely understand” or “I’ve been there” when you do not have
depression or never have had it. This may upset some people to hear, but
your kindness has overstepped its bounds. Look, I know you want to make me
happy again and you’re scared of all the Robin Williams stuff you’ve heard on
the news and you just want to feed me a lemon Bundt cake, but please do NOT
pretend you know what this is like. Depression is not being sad. It’s not even
just being extra sad. Depression is an extreme state of poor mental health that
has continued for a minimum of 6 months—often more (in my case, 4 years). It is a state of being far more empty than
sadness, far more abandoned than loneliness, far more unreachable than hurt. Audrey Hepburn described it the most
beautifully in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” as the
mean reds. There’s only one truly evil bitch I’ve ever met in my life, and
she lives right behind my forehead in the midst of my depressed lows. After
those periods of tears and panic attacks, you eventually bottom out and the
scariest stage of all happens—feeling nothing. You even wish for the times of
extreme sadness because at least then you felt something. The days and
weeks where you are apathetic and cannot remember what emotions used to be like
are the ones that are truly dangerous, if not suicidal. So to hear you say that
you’ve been there when you haven’t? It’s hurtful and ignorant. Instead, please
tell us “I’m here for you. I will listen if you need to talk. Or we can be just
silent. Just know you have so much to live for and so many people who love
you.”
None of us are perfect. If you’ve said any of these things,
know that I certainly won’t hate you for forever…just maybe for 10 minutes.
I’ll have a coffee and get over it.
And people with depression are NOT perfect. I have done and
said things I would never dream of when I am in a bad state of the mean reds.
But I have been blessed with a community that is gracious and kind; quick to
forgive and slow to anger—not unlike the good God who loves us. For those of
you with depression and those who know someone with it alike, I encourage you
to turn to Him in prayer and in asking for your every single need. He is the
only one who is sufficient. Whether we are depressed or not, our every breath
comes from Him. Praise be to the God who was and is and is to come—He is my
Shepherd even in my darkest hour.
Soon to come: some things the church should and shouldn't say when speaking about depression...
